is all we have left of our family of three. As excited as I have been to meet my son, I can't help but be a bit sentimental about the changes on the horizon. I hate to admit it....but I'm scared. I'm pretty sure it's all normal & I am just being honest with myself...and those who read this.
The past 4 years have included 3 big moves....I should be used to change, right? Our little girl has been the center of our lives. For 2 of the (well almost) 4 years, we believed that having another baby might not be in the cards for us....so we treasured every minute. Annoyingly sharing every detail of her little life for fear that we would never again have a similar moment, yet here we are almost 4 years later about to embark on the same journey. I guess my fear in all this is for my daughter. I don't want her to feel any different than she does now. I think a dose of "i'm not the center of attention" might be good for her....but it does break my heart. Our quiet moments together will now be our quiet moments shared. It's just an idea that I need to get used to. The bond between her & her daddy is so strong...I am afraid that she will feel betrayed. I think this all stems from how differently I felt after adding another child to my own family growing up. I didn't feel as special & that was hurtful. None of it was done on purpose, I'm sure...but there was undoubtedly a shift. The only thought that keeps me from losing it completely is the fact that I would not trade my brother back for anything in the world...and today it is something we laugh about. I AM after all...a middle child. I am thankful that at least Hayden will not have to contend with that! I think this is why I so desperately wanted this child to be a boy. I could not imagine another girl to share Hayden's spot light. My prayers were answered, thankfully.
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The moment he realized he was now the middle child.
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So the past week I have been "nesting" like a maniac. Adding final touches to the nursery, washing & re-washing the bassinet sheets & newborn clothes, hiring cleaning companies to come scour the floors & carpets, cleaning all air ducts & closets & drawers....And I have been shopping! WOW! The things that I have bought! I've been stocking the pantry with condiments & foods that I know will take a century to have my husband find in the grocery store, snacks & every day staples for my daughter. Shampoo & bubble bath, toilet paper, paper towels...water & juices...You name it! If the apocalypse came right now we'd be set!
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Stocking up!
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Like I said...the past few days have been emotional for me. I just hope I get it right. Today in a quiet moment, I said to Hayden...You will always be my favorite girl & you will always be my baby. Even though there is another little tiny one coming home with us....I want you to know that I love you just the same. You will play an important role in his life. He will need you, and you him. All you'll have is each other. He will be your best friend. You are going to be such a great big sister & a big help to mommy & daddy. As I began outlining the ways in which she could help, she grew more and more excited. As i was thinking about all the things I am going to be challenged with in the upcoming months, I actually started to feel a bit better about things. Here I am so worried about how she is going to feel that I am ruining the moment for her! She is actually excited. She- of course- has no idea what she's in for....But she's excited! And I should be dwelling on that, and not so much the negative. Here is the golden opportunity we have fought to feel! How dare I feel sad for one more second. Then I flash back to when I was about to leave for the hospital to deliver Hayden. I took one last look around my house (in Tucson at the time) and said to my best friend Charlene who flew in for the occasion- "Wow! Next time I come back here I'm going to have a baby. I'll be a mother & the baby will be with me." And as I looked one last time to see if I forgot anything, I noticed my long time buddy....my pal of 6 years at the time...leaning against a wall, ears up looking at me. All this commotion & I forgot that my constant companion, the soaker of my tears, my protector & playmate through 4 different moves was there.....I ran over to him and cried. I could tell he knew that things were going to change....and they did! But he changed right along with them....and my daughter loves this dog more than anything. Who says that dogs can't teach you things! Well here we go again....It's
just about the same idea....And you know what? We will be just fine. I luckily have a network of friends that have felt the same way & have offered advice, love, support & encouragement. We can do this! We have each other & that's all that matters. I will always have my memories of the days & nights I got to spend with my most precious gift- my baby girl, and we are giving her the most amazing thing we could ever give her...a sibling. With all the drama each one of us goes through with our siblings...I would never trade a moment of it. I learned almost everything I know about myself & my capacity to love, forgive & to be a family through my siblings....even if it happened later than I hoped in my life. I'm so excited that we were blessed enough to give Hayden the chance to know what I mean.
While I wait....I will sit here and think about the many moments we have had with my little love & focus on the many ADVENTURES we will have as a family of 4. Here we go people!!!!!
(Click the link below to see the video I made to tell my family I'm expecting.......)
