You can't make this S#*T up.....

Humor.  I'm happy I have lived my life always finding the humor in things.  Mothering is no exception.

So here are some of the things that have happened in the past couple of weeks that you might find humorous....

While driving home from the mall, I realized I forgot to put my breast pads in.  The baby started crying.....I feel the "let down".  I was sitting in traffic with a hungry, crying baby with a t-shirt on that had 2 wet circles on the front- while my almost 4 year old was singing Jingle Bells at the top of her lungs.

 While walking the dog with the baby strapped to the front of me & pushing the jogger stroller, a small dog ran to the edge of my neighbor's property & started barking.  There I was holding my 120lb German Shepherd back- from eating a Chihuahua- the leash wrapped around the wheel of the jogger- so it was tilted sideways...Baby's head jerking all around, daughter screaming- all in front of our HOA Representative who had pulled in my driveway to inspect the new fence....in 94 degree florida heat- and Oh yeah- the maternity/nursing tank top I was wearing got hooked on the Bjorn, unlatched to expose my left boob.  

My husband was gone for 4 days over labor day weekend....I was left alone with the kids.  As you can imagine, when he got home....I needed a BREAK!  I picked him up from the airport & said you are on your own tonight with the kids.  I made myself an appointment to get a massage.  This was his first time by himself with both the kids so of course I made things easy...I set up the bottle, dinner...etc...and I was on my way.  I get there (after joyriding with the windows open & the music blasted trying to feel 20 again....even if it was just for the 3 minutes of one of my favorite 90's hip-hop songs) and after filling out some paperwork...I was introduced to my masseuse.  Oy Vey!  I try not to judge but she (I think) was very ambiguous if you know what I mean.  OK...Whatever!  I get on the table and realize....What if I start lactating?  When Helga comes back into the room I mention this.  She tells me they have a special pillow for this & she goes to get it: 

Now.....As most people do....i only have my underwear on.  Helga places the device on the table & stands there while i try to stuff each boob into one of the "cup holder" looking things...& i try to do this while keeping myself covered with the sheet.  Embarrassing nightmare....So the massage begins.  I will say- Helga's man-hands gave a great massage....but 2 things.  She smelled like garlic & she wouldn't shut the F up.  Oh my God!  Seriously?????  Don't they teach that in massage school????  I did say 5 times to 3 different people on the phone, to the receptionist & to the masseuse that i was in desperate need of a RELAXATION massage!!!!!!  Wtf?????  After about 1/2 an hour of small talk, i politely told Olga i wanted to stop talking.  She replied in her husky voice...OK...I'll leave you alone with your thoughts....And i really enjoyed the last 1/2 hour....even though i was breathing through my mouth so I didn't have to smell her garlic infused lunch.  FML

On the way to our baptism class....and running late with my then 2 week old baby.... i feel the back of his pants & they are wet.  I quickly run in the room & lay him on a towel on my bed to change him.  I pull down his diaper & he starts peeing.  I quickly take a side of the towel & cover him to catch it!  When I think he's done, I pull it back & start wiping him...I lift his legs up to pull out the diaper & he projectile shits all over the front of my dress.  My 4 year old is screaming EWWWWW while my husband is laughing.

During a particularly bad day (baby had a touch of reflux & had not been sleeping) I was doing everything to get him to sleep...walking around, singing, swaying...all the things they tell you to do...I finally get him to sleep.  I walk slowly & softly into a quiet corner of the house where I placed his sleeper chair....on the way I stub my toe.  He starts crying again.  I spent 10 more minutes calming him down....then creep over again....and finally he sleeping.  I melt into the couch & not 2 minutes pass when I hear an alarming gurgling & half crying sound coming from him!  I run over there & the dog is lapping  his face furiously.  Back at it again....swaying, shhhhing....walking around.....

During a trip to the grocery store, a woman came up to us & said Wow!  A new baby!!  After a few seconds of idle chit chat about him...she directed her attention to Hayden.  "and how do you like being a big sister?"... oh...It's good...."Has he been a good boy?"  Well- No.  All he does is Poop in his pants & Eat mommies boobies.

All funny business aside....who am I these days?  There once was a time that I would come home from an after hours bar at 5 in the morning...wasted....dragging half a pizza or a burrito in with me...kicking off my shoes and falling asleep with all my makeup on.  I'd wake up & try to recollect the night with my husband or friends...I'd find rice from the burrito or the crust of the pizza in the bed....mind you it's 4 in the afternoon...just in time for the evening Sunday night football game.  I'd pound water & diet cokes along with advil to try & rid my hang over.....Curtains drawn.....dreading having to go to work on a monday morning....Gee- I can't believe I traded all that in to become a mother.  I can't even believe who I am now & how much I have changed.  I mean- I am still the same wanna-be comedian....but with all new material.  Funny how life is....How all the things you thought were important COMPLETELY change once you have children....or a pet.  ;-)  

Well...My 1/2 hour of alone time is over.  Now I have to get back to them....so I can have my daughter tell me my stomach is ugly while my son chews my boobs like a piece of bubble gum. 

Adjusting to life with 2....at 38!!

Well- I'm doing a lot better than some!  I feel blessed.  My little guy is a great sleeper, has a good disposition.....I'm just trying to adjust to life with the 2 of them.  My daughter is doing pretty good- though she has her moments.  The biggest thing I'm dealing with is a very strong bond with her father....and if he has anything to do with the baby....she is NOT happy.  If he holds him....she asks him to hold her etc.  And when he's not around....all she does is ask for him which makes this very emotional & tired mommy kind of sad.    There are so many little things I wanted to share because no one tells you all this stuff!  I think that mothers are intrinsically competitive about their abilities when it comes to parenting & only if you sit down with another mom that is a life-long friend will you get the full truth and nothing but the truth about how it is to be a new parent of 2.  So here are some of the things I have picked up over the course of the month......

He loves his sleep- No matter where it is!

So getting back into the swing of things will take you by surprise.  You will feel a sense of disconnect with your older child.  You'll feel horrible that you can't be as close or as "on top" of things with them as you always have been...at least until you get somewhat of a routine.  It's been exactly one month & I still don't feel back to normal in terms of our relationship.  I suppose I never will!  But it's a new normal & one that works.  I don't feel as close to my son yet because I am so concerned about how my daughter is adjusting.  I almost feel like I don't want her to "catch me" in the moments that I am kissing him incessantly & talking to him in a baby voice telling him how handsome he is & that the Pittsburgh  Steelers are already scouting him or that he's going to get the hottest chicks in high school.  I am learning that adding her to the conversation is helping ALL of us bond.  

The whole mobility thing messes with me.  I have always been a person on the go.  I would grab Hayden & be off!  But the whole car seat thing is ruining my flow!  Having to take it everywhere, get her in the car...buckled...getting him in there...buckled, making sure she has her sheepie or whatever other toy...then when we get wherever it is...doing the same thing!  I think once the heat turns down a notch in Florida...It will be a lot better but it's killing me right now.  I feel like I can't walk outside or do any of the things we normally enjoy because it's SO flipping hot!  Getting myself ready after breast feeding the baby, feeding my daughter, getting her dressed, changing his diapers, getting him dressed...wow!  It's a whole process.  I have realized that my day begins a whole lot earlier if I have an early appointment....and I catch myself getting frustrated with my 3 year old & saying the dreaded words..Come on!  Lets Go!  Hurry Up!  Because the process is so long to get up and do anything.  :-(  I need to get better at that.   I feel like I look gross everywhere I go.  often times leaving the house with a fresh burp stain on my shoulder unbeknownst to me until someone tells me or I catch it in the mirror.  Speaking of mirror...Oy Vey!  I am aging!  The lack of sleep is lending to big bags under my eyes. That combined with the pouch I still have on my belly makes for not so positive a self image lately.  I am still fighting an infection around my incision which has prevented me from taking my workouts to the next level....so that has been something to contend with as well.  I feel like...am I ever going to feel 100%?  Trying to stay positive is one of the biggest battles at this point....

Breast feeding.  For the love of God.  It's one of the most fulfilling things to do...for me, and for the baby but boy is it hard!  I'm trying to breast feed & pump so that I have a store of the liquid gold for that evening out alone with my husband that I keep fantasizing about.  If I get a big bag of milk I am high-fiving myself.  Is this really what has become of my life?  I am doing a dance and yelling Oh YEAHHHH when I pump more than 4 oz out of a particular less active chesticle?  Wow!  I DO need a life!  But seriously- Breast feeding is definitely not for everyone.  Big props go out to those who can do it for the full year...and beyond...although THIS mom will not go any further than a year.  

The dog.  If you think that your dogs were neglected with the first one....you are going to forget it's/their name/s.  Trying to find the time to snuggle with your buddies is hard at first....but as the routine sets in, it will get better.  And no one is more forgiving than the dog.  

Finding the energy to build somethings & have a few laughs!

Forcing myself to get on the floor and play with my daughter has been rough.  I'm going to say what most moms wont.  Playing with blocks & reading stories & being engaged with the older child is a task.  It takes every bit of me to "want" to get down on the ground & play.....but I force myself to do it...and to look happy doing it.  I pray that she doesn't notice that I'm just exhausted & would like nothing more than to lay on the couch and tune every body out & watch some mindless show.  I'm hoping that this passes once the baby is more on a schedule that I'm not up every 3 hours at night feeding.  

He is very strong already!!

Although there are moments that I think to myself...Oh My God....am I ever going to have a minute of peace?  Am I ever going to have a minute to myself?  I remember the journey...and how much we wanted this for our family & for our daughter.  Totally worth it.  Even as I sit down to write this... My son napping, my daughter dancing to music I have playing & then coming to show me her self choreographed routine.....there is nothing better.  I'll figure it out in time!  It's such a short period of time that they are so dependent on me.  I need to enjoy it.

The 9LB Purge

GOD am I thankful that I did not have to push a 9LB baby out of my you know what!  PHEWWWW for a C-Section!

So the race was on....I was admitted to my hospital the very same morning as Princess Kate.  How did I know that she was going to try and steel my thunder?  But BE HOLD!  No one could have imagined that I was having a 9 LB baby.  That trumps the Prince & his piddly 8LBs 6oz.

I must have gotten MAYBE 45 minutes to an hour of sleep the night before I was to head in.  In my mind my OCD was in full force.  Did I buy enough milk & bread, did I leave enough instruction for my parents, did I write my advance directive & was I supposed to get it notarized?  Does Hayden know how special she is to us & that things will change but not our love for her??  Needless to say...I was exhausted heading to the hospital in the morning.  I had prepared every last thing.....I told my husband to put my luggage, the diaper bag & my shoulder bag in the car while I looked around the house & said my farewells to my dog.  Off we go!

We arrive at the hospital....I say as we are walking in to emergency...Hey Jason, watch this!  And I grab my stomach and pretend to stagger in the emergency room door.  The orderly & nurse jump up from their stations ready to help....at which time I said "Just Kidding!!!"  I'm here for a scheduled C-Section!  The front door/5 AM team had a good laugh...and then got another one when I asked Jason where my luggage was & he responded "What luggage?"  Seriously?  Now I had to wait in the lobby for him to run home & get it.  Thank GOD we live across the street from our hospital!

The C-section was comical.  I was SO terrified.  Getting the Spinal shot scared the crap out of me.  I had such a bad experience with my epidural during Hayden's birth that I was anticipating this horrendously painful thing....When the anesthesiologist swabbed my back with an alcohol prep I practically jumped off the table.  I felt like such an idiot!  I held on to the Physician's assistant  like I was that Italian cruise ship captain & she was the life-boat!  I feel like I got numb within seconds.  My legs had to be carried up to the table & laid out.  Up went the the blue curtain, in came my husband & on came the nausea!  The anesthesiologist told me to tell him every thing that I was feeling.  So I did.  "My left pinky is tingling, I feel nausea, my left eye is twitching, I have a headache, my arms are itching!"  They must have thought I was a maniac!!  But as I lay there hand in hand with my husband, awaiting the cries of my new son...I felt a calm come over me.  I knew it was going to be OK.  Maybe it was the Puerto Rican nurse with her accent like my grandmother's telling me it was going to be OK?  Who knows....but a few minutes later I heard his cries.  And then I heard my doctor say...Where the hell did you hide this baby??  And the group of baby nurses huddled around him...wiping him off, flushing out his mouth & warming him up all while my proud husband confirmed there was a penis while choking back tears.  Then the official weigh came in.  9 lbs 0 oz, 20 inches long. Time? 8:49 AM.

So now he is here.  All those many months feeling uncomfortable leads up to this moment.  I would not change it for a second!  MY recovery has been OK.  They said I can leave the hospital after 3 days, but I opted to stay for 4.  I'm glad that I did.  It gave me an extra night on my own with the baby.  Lucky we did because he started to get Jaundiced. That last day he underwent a battery of tests that determined his Bilirubin number was very high & they wanted to see it get back down before we left.  In addition, they determined that I had some sort of infection under my incision.  The doctor had to make an additional cut in my prior incision line to account for how big this baby was.  It was in that area that I felt the most pain, and still do.  Thank God for percocet & ibuprofen. I was SO careful about not taking any medication...not even tylenol during my pregnancy but this hurt!  I'm still a bit bothered by it....but it seems like it's getting better every day.  The only thing I am concerned about is the scar tissue that I feel under the incision.  I am trying to get my 6 pack back after this & I don't need any strange things happening to prevent that.  I WILL hit the plastic surgeon with a quickness!  Believe that!  

 I was really worried about how my family would adjust.  I have to say its relatively seamless.  My husband is having more of a difficult time with it I think just because he is SO close to our daughter & I think he feels afraid that she's going to feel abandoned.  He has been doing lots of things with her & taking her places & playing games with her.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he can't really bond with our little guy right now as much because all he does is eat & sleep.  He makes sure that he cradles him in his arms when he's sleeping....but because I am nursing exclusively, he can't even bottle feed him until I have a stock pile in the freezer!  Right now that stuff is gold & has my baby sitter's name all over it for the giant glass of wine that I want to have....and the sushi!!  I'd rather him not bond for a few more days than to dig into my stash!

 Hayden has been exceptionally loving.  Every time the baby cries, she comes running into the room!  She is everything everyone said she would be.  Nurturing, happy, gentle, motherly & my helper.  This kid never ceases to amaze me!  She asks to hold him.  She wants to be near him & she does not appear to get upset when we need to tend to him vs. say...watch a cartoon or read a book to her.  She just goes along for the ride.  Seeing her with her little brother just makes me Love her even more...if that is possible.

So NOW IT BEGINS!!  I did the 9 lb purge....now I have to do the 22 lb pound purge!   This week I emptied my refrigerator & pantry of all the things that we shouldn't be eating.  We are on to eating clean!  I am SUPER focused on achieving my goals!  From here on out I will be blogging about my quest to be in SICK SHAPE.  Because I can not work out until my incision heals & my hernia gets operated on, I am starting by completely changing my diet.  I'm hoping that muscle memory is a real phenomenon & that 3/4 of my battle will be knocked out before I head into the gym & cross fit & begin killing it!  I have big goals for 2014!! 

Here is my only problem.  I'm on day 3 and I bought this crap today at the grocery store & hid it in my desk drawer.  God help me.  LOL!  OK....So my diet begins officially AFTER THIS TWIX!  And I am not kidding!  

 I'm hoping to post 3 meals a week on my blog & my progress.  NO...You won't be getting a before picture...but I will post my weight & then when I feel good enough, I will start posting pictures.  Since Sunday, we have been eating clean (aside for this twix) and we are going to start walking in the evenings.  Tuesday I have a follow up doctors appointment about my incision issues & once I get the OK....I'm going to get after it!

Tonight....I will be making the following healthy dinner:

CHICKEN WITH CHUNKY VEGETABLE SAUCE OVER BROWN RICE

INGREDIENTS

• 2tablespoons  all-purpose flour

• 4medium skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (about 1 pound)

• 1cup  finely chopped onion

• 1tablespoon  olive oil

• 2cloves garlic, minced

• 114 1/2ounce  can diced tomatoes, undrained

• 114 ounce  can artichoke hearts, drained and halved

• 1/3cup  reduced-sodium chicken broth

• Dash of black pepper

• 2teaspoons  drained capers or 2 tablespoons chopped pitted ripe olives

• 1tablespoon  snipped fresh oregano or 1 teaspoon dried oregano, crushed

• 2cups  hot cooked rice

• Pitted ripe olives

DIRECTIONS

1. Place flour in a shallow dish. Dip chicken in flour to coat. Set aside.

2. In a large skillet, cook onion in hot oil over medium heat for 3 minutes. Stir in garlic; push mixture to sides of pan. Add chicken. Cook 4 minutes, or until brown, turning once. Add tomatoes, artichokes, broth, and pepper; stir.

3. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Simmer, covered, 10 minutes, or until chicken is tender and no longer pink. Remove chicken.

4. Simmer tomato mixture, uncovered, about 3 minutes, or until reduced to desired consistency. Stir in capers and oregano. Serve the chicken over rice; top with sauce. If desired, garnish with olives.

Breakfast for me was:

Greek yogurt

2 cage free brown eggs

One slice of wheat toast with butter spray

2 large cold glasses of water

Lunch:

Mixed garden Salad with chopped egg & chicken breast on top. Lite Tuscan dressing

Snack:  2 twix bars.  Lol.  (help!)

Dinner (Above) 

Late night snack will be apricots.  

Help me stay honest people!!  

Until next time........

11 days....

is all we have left of our family of three.  As excited as I have been to meet my son, I can't help but be a bit sentimental about the changes on the horizon.  I hate to admit it....but I'm scared.  I'm pretty sure it's all normal & I am just being honest with myself...and those who read this.

The past 4 years have included 3 big moves....I should be used to change, right?  Our little girl has been the center of our lives.  For 2 of the (well almost) 4 years, we believed that having another baby might not be in the cards for us....so we treasured every minute.  Annoyingly sharing every detail of her little life for fear that we would never again have a similar moment, yet here we are almost 4 years later about to embark on the same journey.  I guess my fear in all this is for my daughter.  I don't want her to feel any different than she does now.  I think a dose of "i'm not the center of attention" might be good for her....but it does break my heart.  Our quiet moments together will now be our quiet moments shared.  It's just an idea that I need to get used to.  The bond between her & her daddy is so strong...I am afraid that she will feel betrayed.  I think this all stems from how differently I felt after adding another child to my own family growing up.  I didn't feel as special & that was hurtful.  None of it was done on purpose, I'm sure...but there was undoubtedly a shift.  The only thought that keeps me from losing it completely is the fact that I would not trade my brother back for anything in the world...and today it is something we laugh about.  I AM after all...a middle child.  I am thankful that at least Hayden will not have to contend with that!  I think this is why I so desperately wanted this child to be a boy.  I could not imagine another girl to share Hayden's spot light.  My prayers were answered, thankfully.

The moment he realized he was now the middle child.

So the past week I have been "nesting" like a maniac.  Adding final touches to the nursery, washing & re-washing the bassinet sheets & newborn clothes, hiring cleaning companies to come scour the floors & carpets, cleaning all air ducts & closets & drawers....And I have been shopping!  WOW!  The things that I have bought!  I've been stocking the pantry with condiments & foods that I know will take a century to have my husband find in the grocery store, snacks & every day staples for my daughter.  Shampoo & bubble bath, toilet paper, paper towels...water & juices...You name it!  If the apocalypse came right now we'd be set!

Stocking up!

Like I said...the past few days have been emotional for me.  I just hope I get it right.  Today in a quiet moment, I said to Hayden...You will always be my favorite girl & you will always be my baby.  Even though there is another little tiny one coming home with us....I want you to know that I love you just the same.  You will play an important role in his life.  He will need you, and you him.  All you'll have is each other.  He will be your best friend.  You are going to be such a great big sister & a big help to mommy & daddy.  As I began outlining the ways in which she could help, she grew more and more excited.  As i was thinking about all the things I am going to be challenged with in the upcoming months, I actually started to feel a bit better about things.  Here I am so worried about how she is going to feel that I am ruining the moment for her!  She is actually excited.  She- of course- has no idea what she's in for....But she's excited!  And I should be dwelling on that, and not so much the negative.  Here is the golden opportunity we have fought to feel!  How dare I feel sad for one more second.  Then I flash back to when I was about to leave for the hospital to deliver Hayden.  I took one last look around my house (in Tucson at the time) and said to my best friend Charlene who flew in for the occasion- "Wow!  Next time I come back here I'm going to have a baby.  I'll be a mother & the baby will be with me."  And as I looked one last time to see if I forgot anything, I noticed my long time buddy....my pal of 6 years at the time...leaning against a wall, ears up looking at me.  All this commotion & I forgot that my constant companion, the soaker of my tears, my protector & playmate through 4 different moves was there.....I ran over to him and cried.  I could tell he knew that things were going to change....and they did!  But he changed right along with them....and my daughter loves this dog more than anything.  Who says that dogs can't teach you things!  Well here we go again....It's just about the same idea....And you know what?  We will be just fine.  I luckily have a network of friends that have felt the same way & have offered advice, love, support & encouragement.  We can do this!  We have each other & that's all that matters.  I will always have my memories of the days & nights I got to spend with my most precious gift- my baby girl, and we are giving her the most amazing thing we could ever give her...a sibling.  With all the drama each one of us goes through with our siblings...I would never trade a moment of it.  I learned almost everything I know about myself & my capacity to love, forgive & to be a family through my siblings....even if it happened later than I hoped in my life.  I'm so excited that we were blessed enough to give Hayden the chance to know what I mean.

While I wait....I will sit here and think about the many moments we have had with my little love & focus on the many ADVENTURES we will have as a family of 4.  Here we go people!!!!! 

(Click the link below to see the video I made to tell my family I'm expecting.......)

http://vimeo.com/55810425        http://vimeo.com/55810425

Just an ordinary 9 month day....

Well...I guess I'm complaining again.  But I need to be real for a minute.....at 9 months pregnant I need to vent!  So much of what I read is a bunch of bullshit about pregnancy.  I'd like to slap the women that say "Ohhhh it was such a beautiful experience....I felt so alive with love and light"...... ZZzzzzzzz..  Smacks forehead! Come on bitches....lets be real....Lets talk about the last few weeks....

Here is just a sample of my day which starts at midnight.  I get up to pee.  I grab my headboard with my right arm, and my left leg with my left arm to pull it off the bed to give myself momentum.  After about 30 seconds of regaining my strength & breath....I finally muster up the energy to throw myself out of the bed to make the 2 yard walk to my bathroom.  Trudging over my dog that feels the need to sleep under my feet, i step over him and almost trip because lifting my leg 1 foot these days feels like I'm jumping men's regulation hurdles.  I get to the bathroom and have to fish around in the dark to make sure that the toilet seat is down so that I don't (for the 80th time) fall in the bowl because it's too much for my husband to help me out & remember to put the seat down. I don't turn on the light because it's attached to a fan that makes a lot of noise & I try to be conscious of the fact that he's sleeping.  After sitting down, I pee what amounts to MAYBE a thimble full.  I sit there & wait 45 seconds because getting up takes my breath away.  I fumble my way back to the bed, tripping over the dog or stubbing my toe on something.  I lay in bed & try to fall asleep to the rhythm of snores & think of ways I can cut his adenoids out of his throat in the middle of the night safely....  This process is repeated every hour & 1/2 until I'm finally up at 7 am when my daughter comes bounding in the room demanding breakfast.  My husband leaves for work stating how tired he is.

I get in the shower, my daughter dancing & singing outside the shower door....I'm yelling non-stop to stay out of my makeup, my lotions, leave the toilet paper alone, stay here where I can see you, don't poke the dog's eyes & stop spraying my perfume.  I let the water run down my back, turn around and let the water run on my belly.  I have to step back because the water on my chest feels like needles.  I step back further & the water bounces off my belly and soaks everything on the left & right side of me.  My freshly cleaned glass shower doors now have water spots on them again.  They took me 45 minutes to get the energy to clean.  I take the soap off the shelf and attempt to clean my body.  I drop the f-ing soap.  At first I can't see it....because it is near my feet & my belly obstructs my view.  I bend slightly forward and spot it.  I stare at it, pissed because I know I'm going to have to bend down and fetch it.  I mumble curse words while I grit my teeth & crouch down & pick it up....I lather one arm pit up only to drop it again.  Repeat process.  I now need to shave my legs.  The ledge I use to prop my leg up has somehow gotten higher.  I swing my leg like a pendulum and hurl it up there, grab the soap & lather half my leg up...and drop the f-ing soap again.  So I begin shaving my legs with shampoo.  (I'm not picking that bar up again)  Repeat other leg.  Get out of shower, my legs are razor burned & bleeding.  I stare at myself in the mirror & cry.....While my daughter is using the fallen soap to draw on the shower glass doors.

You know how lots of times you see funny pictures or posts of people from behind dressed in their pajamas at Wal-mart? I would guarantee that 90% of those women are pregnant.  That is how I am dressing now.  I find the most comfortable, haggard & heinous thing that I can find and wear it because I don't even have the energy to open more than one drawer.  In earlier months, I tried to be a cute prego lady.  These days?  My husband's old shorts & a maternity shirt 3 sizes too small from old navy.  Most days the bottom of my belly hangs out of my shirt.  I fit right in at Wal-mart.  This woman is not trying to be Kim Kardashian, my cute shoes are collecting dust & my 19.99 Reef Flip flops have flattened down so much that I feel like I'm walking barefoot.  And my hair.  Dear God.  My afro has been banging in this humidity and I am rocking it like I'm Donna Summer off the working hard for my money track.  And I could care less. My bra's no longer fit.  I had to buy an extended strap to keep these puppies wrangled in...And within 5 minutes of dressing, whatever I'm eating lands on my huge shelf stomach.  Throws hands up in the air.

Let's go grocery shopping.  I drive around the parking lot 25x to find the closest spot to the door.  I literally stalk people to see where they are headed, and get annoyed when a car pulls up behind me forcing me to drive around again.  Usually during my drive around, some one zips out of the front spot & that asshole behind me jumps into it.  I am cursing them out in my head.  They get out & are about 115 years old (this is Florida) & I feel compelled to do the sign of the cross & pray for them & myself for having bad thoughts.  I do this 8 more times before I luck out and get the closest spot.  I walk to the door, and give the person in their car a dirty look who doesn't stop quick enough at the cross walk, and I proceed to slow my pace down to a crawl so that when I make it to the other side the driver peels out.  It makes me laugh.  There is no respect anymore.  I grab a wagon & for the next 1/2 an hour while I shop I'm harassed by stay at home moms & retirees asking me what I'm having, when I'm due & giving me advice about how I should be resting....or they are making comments about how big my belly is or isn't.  Ummm... Yeah lady, I'd love to get some rest but while I'm trying to quickly pick up more toilet paper for my 900 nightly trips to the bathroom- you are slowing me down.  By the way, 6x during this trip I have to put my elbows on the wagon handle to relieve the pressure off my pelvis & take deep breaths.  I lower my head to regain strength & look at the veins in my feet busting out...and my pedicure that is ruined from my now centimeter thick flip flops.  I check out & the 17 year old at the register comments how huge I am and that she's 7 months pregnant.  She looks like she's bloated from her monthly period.  I get annoyed for 100 other reasons.  I leave the store and 2 cars don't let me cross the road before they pass. One of them is that asshole that peeled out on my way in.

That is my big outing for today.  It's about all that I can handle.  I know I have to tidy up the house & play with an extremely active toddler & that will consume all of my energy.  I go home, put the stuff away & remember that I forgot to get 9 out of the 10 things I went to the store to get....But I came home with toilet paper, fresh fruit, cheese & York Peppermint Patties.  Back to the store again tomorrow.  I spend the rest of the afternoon making arts & crafts, judging dance shows, fighting about nap time,  playing Barbie dolls and trying to explain why I can't play red light green light in 94 degree weather with 90% humidity.  All I want to do is lay in bed with my peppermint patties & watch some stupid Ghost Hunter show.  Then I beat myself up for wanting to do that instead of playing with my daughter. Keep in mind I am peeing 80x a day.

I am counting down the minutes until my husband gets home so he can take over the reins...and my dog has been looking at me all day like- "Why are you not wrestling with me and running with me?" Jason gets home & says....I am exhausted.  I just need a little bit to unwind.  I want to pound my head into the wall. My legs are hurting, I have indigestion from the peppermint patties & all i hear is Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy echoing in my head from the last 14 hours.  I lay down on the couch & finally turn on the TV& my daughter says....Can we watch Cartoons?

About 10:00, we put our girl to bed.  She gets up 8x and 4 out of the 8x I have to get up and tuck her back in.  I finalllllly settle in the bed, but now I can't get comfortable.  I'm too hot. I can't decide which side will feel the best to sleep on.  I realize the wedge I put between my legs to help my throbbing hips is on the floor. F#$K!!!!!!!  I bunch up the sheets to create a make-shift wedge, my husband rolls over & pulls the bundle of sheet from my legs.  SHIT.  I haven't taken my pre-natals.  Take them.  Lay back down.  The cat jumps on the bed & starts kneading the bed by my feed....Purring & licking my feet.  It is now 11:30.  The rhythmic snores coming from Jason's throat begin again.  My dog comes into the room & resumes his position.  I fall half asleep.  It's midnight.  I have to pee.

Fathers

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there who make their children a priority......I tell you what....I am a pretty lucky girl to have found myself an amazing husband.  We are both pretty sure it was fate.  The way we met was so unique that there must have been a reason that we were brought together....But before I get into that....I would have never had the tools to find myself a great husband if it weren't for my own father.  I credit my mother too....But I seriously think that without having my dad around to show me what I need to look for in a husband & father for my children....I would have never known.  A little bit about my dad.  He has always worked extremely hard to put food on the table & to afford us nice things.  My dad worked for a State University his whole life.  In addition to his state job, he was a shell fisherman.  If anyone knows anything about digging clams...It's not glamorous by any means...but it was honest work.  He also picked up a plumbing gig every now and again.  He is the ultimate Jack of all trades.  My dad has always been the life of the party.  Funny, daring intense at times....and protective of his wife & kids.....but was not afraid to whip us in line when needed.  When I was little I idolized him.  We were so much alike.  He was an athlete and so was I.  We connected over our humor & love of sport.  I used to cuddle up with him in the bedroom & watch friday night fights on his little black & white TV.  Going to his State job was fun. Sometimes he worked the midnight shift & he'd set up chairs together with a couple of sleeping bags & we'd camp out in the office after a rare treat of McDonald's happy meals.  In the morning he'd stop off at the Jewish bakery & get us a giant chocolate chip cookie, a buttered roll & an orange juice.  It's funny when I look back now at those days in the power plant where he worked, how magical I thought it was.  Walking around the engine room that powered the entire university...The sounds of the machines working...The calendars with pictures of naked women in the lockers of some of the other guys that worked there...The state issued truck that we'd have to pile into if dad got called to the university for a heating emergency....and how he'd drive really slow afterward down the dark wooded road of the Westbury Campus until he found the rock with a withered, rotten tree on it.  The branches were twisted & mangled into what looked like a person....and he called it the boogie man.  My sister & I would SCREAM and cry & he thought it was the funniest thing.  Then we'd get to sit on his lap & steer the truck back to the plant.  His other job was also something I have fond memories of.  Getting up at 5 in the morning, we'd stop at Fred's deli & he'd buy us a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich, a yoo-hoo, some chips & usually a ring ding or devil dog.  We'd drive down to the dock in blue-point or Patchogue...wherever his boat was docked.  We'd spend the next 6-7 hours out in the bay covered with coppertone & separating the junk that he'd pull up in his rake from the clams.  He had a device that  he propped up on the edge of his boat & the baby clams (not legal for picking) would fall through to the  bottom & the ones that didn't fall through the grate would get tossed into a bucket for selling.  All day we'd have a fishing poll in the water trying to catch flounder or weak fish...while listening to the oldies station on the radio.  A constant stream of Elvis tunes to which my dad knew all the words.  The other would be Howard Stern.  (Which I still listen to today)  It was back breaking work...and my dad would pull that 25 foot rake up and down hundreds of times during the day.  His forearms and chest resembled  pop-eye...or at least that's how I envisioned him my whole life.  A strong, larger than life guy.

It wasn't always roses.  There was a stretch of time that we had a very tumultuous relationship.  Growing up, family dynamic changed.... and as much as I thought I despised my dad during my teen years...there was always that respect & fond memories that pulled me through.  I got caught smoking cigarettes with a girl on my block.  Someone had tipped him off that I was in the dirt road smoking....I must have been 13 years old.  He came & busted me & said he wasn't going to tell my mother.  I'll never forget that day.  It brought me back to a time that was much simpler...when dad & I were close.

Here is a BIG reason why I have the utmost respect for my dad.  When My grandfather was diagnosed with Early onset Alzheimer's Disease....and eventually had to move to Long Island from Brooklyn....It was my dad who was there every day.  When my grandfather was too far into the disease to walk or bathe himself, it was my dad that carried him to the toilet every day to wash him & change him.  After breaking his back all morning on the water, he had a small window to shower & get ready for his other job.  He would use that time to help my grandmother out....and that to me was honorable & selfless....and I will never forget it.  He gave the shirt off his back to help a friend in need.  He still does.  He does anything he can to help us out.... works on our homes, fixes our cars... He has a crude sense of humor but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

I moved out of my house at 18 & haven't lived there since.  But what I took with me from my dad (and mom....but we're talking about dad's today) was that a man takes care of his children.  He sticks up for them, he defends his wife's honor & he is good to his extended family & friends.My dad never blew smoke up my ass.  Never told me I was perfect....because I wasn't...and so I didn't walk around believing I was....Gave me survival skills.  I knew how to change a tire.  I was encouraged to do well in school & finish my degree so that I would never have to rely on a man to provide for me.  If I needed to, I could get the hell out of a crappy relationship & take care of myself or my family.  He taught me how to be street smart & handle myself...in addition to welding a copper pipe closed to seal off a water leak.  He also taught me how to take a joke.

It took me some years, and a few bad boyfriends to wise up....and open my eyes to the men in the world that would actually treat me decent.  I spent my college years learning the hard way about the difference between good & bad men...and a couple years after....But when I took some time off from relationships or "hook ups", I was ready.  I was open & ready to meet the person that would eventually be the father of my children.  After graduating from college, I worked in a bar in Newport, RI & a group of guys used to come in all the time.  There was a Naval Training facility there for newly commissioned officers & since the place I worked in was a hot spot, most of them would hang out there.  I hated it.  Navy guys were notorious for being cheap.  I'd chased many a group out of the restaurant after waiting on them all night & getting like...3 dollars.  How was I going to buy my booze at the landing with 3 f-ing dollars?  Anyway....Jason used to come in and sit at the bar.  I actually went on a few dates with a friend of his.  I quickly realized we had nothing in common (The friend & I) and bailed.  The end of summer was coming. I was finishing up an internship with the Boys & Girls club...and shortly after I'd made plans with 3 friends to travel across the country on a once in a lifetime road trip.  (Who knew I'd do that trip 6 more times in later years)  I ended up in San Diego...and the other girls headed north to South Lake Tahoe.  I pre-arranged a house in Pacific Beach with a couple of attorneys & after a day of job hunting, I landed myself a waitressing gig at "World Famous",  a nice ocean front restaurant walking distance from my place.  I worked there about 2 months when one day... in walks Jason.  3,200 miles away.....he comes walking into my place.  Of all the gin joints.....  He recognized me right away....and I him.  He said he had a big crush on me in Newport & was so mad that I went out with his friend.  HA!  We started dating.....

Jason & I have been together for 16 years, Married for 10 this September.  We have been through SO much.  We fought like cats and dogs, we loved like attention starved maniacs....we nearly split at one point...we have learned so much about love & life....We were 22 when we started dating.  We essentially grew up together....we have been through deaths, & disappointments- through illness & the highest of highs!  We have been through buying houses & selling houses & financial woes....Our lives together have not been perfect by any means....But at the crust of it, the foundation...the core...we realized that we can not live without one another.  We are the yin to each other's yang.  At one point we broke up and I was dating another guy who I thought was amazing....but something kept me coming back to Jason.  I could tell that Jason would have laid his life on the line for me...I could be myself around him...stupid jokes, frizzy hair & foul mouth & he would love me anyway.  I had made the right choice.  All the qualities that I witnessed in my dad....this man embodied.  We both believe that had we not fallen off track for a hot minute, that we would not have realized what we were missing.  The deep and TRUEST love came when I saw my husband as a father.  It changed my chemistry.  I had always admired him....but seeing him interact with his daughter has put him on a different plane to me.  He just is awesome.  Now don't get it twisted....homeboy still KILLS me sometimes.  I mean...Every single day I have to remind him to feed the dog & to please not take off his underwear in the bathroom & leave it on the floor....or to remove the empty toilet paper roll from the dispenser & replace it...There are things that he does every day that make me want to tear my hair out....But at the end of it all....I lucked out.  My intuition, guided by witnessing amazing male role models in my life...helped me realize what a gem I had.  One worth keeping.

More often than not- these days...Women confuse a hook up with love.  They think that if a guy lays down with them...it means love.  They have no real understanding of what love is because their daddies never showed them.  A friend of mine, a marine told me some great advice.  I was standing in his kitchen talking to my then 4 month old baby girl.  I was saying...how beautiful she was.  I stopped myself & said.  I really need to stop saying she's beautiful all the time!  She's going to be conceited!  He looked at me & said....Don't you EVER stop telling her....That way she'll never need some asshole guy to make her feel pretty.  It made so much sense to me.  I look at people who are in a series of horrible relationships.  What went wrong?  What didn't their daddies do for them that made them accept garbage for themselves?  Why didn't they have enough self esteem to demand more?  Were their mothers complete doormats?  What trauma did they suffer at a young age to prevent them from realizing their self worth?  I never understood how important the role of father is in a child's life....and how equally important it is for a Mom to choose a partner wisely than I do as a mother myself.  I am SO glad that I dodged huge bullets with the guys I dated in the past!!  Don't get me wrong...I have plenty of friends & family who were single mothers who did an amazing job at raising their kids to be wonderful, productive members of society.....but somewhere in there...the absence of a good father is ever present.  At the very least, a great "father figure" is so important.

Well...I went on and on.  Wow.  I was just sitting here at the end of a special father's day with my little family & reflecting on the gifts I have in my life at the present moment...Thinking about the crazy road that I traveled that got me here...and hopeful that we can be as strong in the years to come.  All I care about is that my children feel loved & safe....and learn about how integrity, hard work, love & laughter can make all your dreams come true....I hope we are showing them every day.

Friends & F*@k-tards

Typically I like to keep things comical.  It's always been my way.  Take the most ridiculous situation and turn it funny....But every now and again my mushy side comes through.....

This weekend was one of those times that I put all jokes aside (at first) and  just reveled in the moment.  Since I've been living in Florida, it's been very hard for me to meet people.  Having lived all over the country, I am constantly in this cycle of meeting people & then leaving.  The older I get, the less ambition I have to start new relationships & then try to maintain them.  What I have found is that I have a core group of friends that no matter what I have done in my life....where the road has taken me....what obstacles & triumphs I've had- They are always there for me.  

My journey to have children has not been easy.  I know that people certainly have had more of a difficult time than me, but none the less- it caused me a lot of stress & turmoil.  Through the whole experience- my family & my core circle of friends has been there to lift me up.....and this weekend proved to be one of those times.  I was feeling very down about not having anyone to share in my joy....not having someone (besides my husband & daughter) to feel excited about having a little boy & wanting to go shopping with me...or just talk about what it's like to have another child or to vent about the fact that my husband still leaves his work shoes on the dining room table despite 16 years of nagging him to just put them directly in the closet....All of those things that most people take for granted because they live close to all their family & friends...I don't get to indulge in on a daily basis.  And all friends are different....All have different purposes in your life.  Some are there because they need me as a sounding board.  Someone to listen.  Some are around to fill the empty space but really are not true friends.  They use you to make them laugh or help organize something that they KNOW you'd never miss because that's just the person you are....But when the chips are down they are no where to be found.  You also have the takers.  People who just take & take & take all of your energy & all of the nice things you are willing to do but never reciprocate. Then there are the liars.  People who lie & brag about themselves constantly because their lives are such a sham & it makes them feel good to pretend that they have the best life....meanwhile it's clear to everyone around them that they are phonies.  And then there are the people that are generally good & just need someone to converse with & feel human with...but don't have the time to really invest in you.....But my core girls....My ride or die bitches.....are there for me no matter what.  

So this week I have not been feeling good at all.  I have had 2 bouts of dehydration, dizziness, nausea.....I'm coming down to the last few weeks of this pregnancy & just am tired, depressed a little, have so much to do for this baby & the last thing I wanted to do was to clean for out of town guests.  My husband had his friends coming into town for the weekend.  Though I think they are great people...I just felt so tired that I really didn't want to move!  So Friday I was finishing up last minute things....when my husband walked in the door.  I looked at him like...."What the hell are you doing here?" and then my mother walked in....And then My best friends....Danielle & Shannon. I stood there stunned.  What were they doing here??  Turns out my husband was lying....to throw me off.  His friends weren't coming.  Mine were.  Why? Oh yeah....That's right....because they heard me.  They knew that being there for me right now when I needed them the most would help me get through a scary, lonely time.  I immediately started to cry.  They were exactly what I needed.  We didn't have a crazy party weekend.  We talked, we ate, we drank (well some of us), and we laughed.  The laughter that had been missing in my life the past few months had returned.  It was so nice to just sit around and talk about our lives & things we could do better or things that we could learn from each other.  We have a real sisterhood.  We had an older mother's perspective (from my mom), a mother of 4's perspective, another pregnant mom's thoughts & the constant comical interjection from my husband.  It made me realize that all the time I sat feeling sorry for myself....That I am so blessed!  The same friends that were with me at the age of 13 in some of my darkest hours....were there for me!  I had them all along.  And my husband....who got the ball rolling on all of the plans.  What a great guy I have!  Sure it has taken 15.5 years of the 16 to get him to this place....But Damn!  He's arrived.  I have to put myself in his shoes....To be strong enough to stand by me through all of my insecurities & always come through with a positive attitude?  He is amazing!!  What a great father he is....an excellent provider....a son who never has been a burden on his family or anyone.....I am blessed.  I fell in love with him all over again.....

I have gone through cleansing periods where I shed friends who I thought "got it".  I have told people to beat it simply because they hurt another friend in my life & I realized that I didn't have time for that! I have gotten rid of the takers & weaned myself away from the braggarts & liars.  I never could understand why a friend would choose to not be honest with the one person who stood by them when every one else in town & around was calling their bluff.  What would a real friend have to gain by not being completely open & true to the person who would have done anything for them?  But left standing there are the few that have never wavered, never faltered, never lied, respected themselves, learned from their mistakes, never chose a guy at a bar over me, never made fun of me or where I'm from, that show my husband & I that they really care about my daughter or our daily trials....The few that have stood the test of time.  My family & my girls.  In all shapes & sizes....tall or short.... with the same loving, giving heart- loyal, HONEST & true.....Standing there, in my house to pull me out of my funk.  These are the same ladies that saw me be-friend people that they knew were not "my type" or the best influence, and they let me make my mistakes & were there for me when I learned the truth & gracious enough to lend comfort when the relationship crumbled....and for those friends that stand by me from afar......  I am forever grateful.  I am humbled by your friendship....though you might be far away, the little selfless things you do to  brighten my day is not lost on me....and I pray that I am being that kind of friend to you too.  

Now- to more pressing matters.  Here are some asshole comments & situations I've had to deal with this week.  I have been shopping for bra's at Target because they are cheap & let's face it- I know these fun bags are not going to last for more than 60 days after the little guy gets here so spending 50 bucks on a Victoria Secret is insane!  (or is it???!) Just like friends....different stores serve different purposes- and Target is my go to store for quick fixes...including (sadly) my temporarily expanded Chesticles.  But my problem is.....the damn hooks on them break!!!!!  I mean....I'm bigger but not THAT big!!!  WTF??  So not only am I uncomfortable in every which way....Can't sit, can't stand, can't lay down.....But when I do find a spot that gives me temporary relief....I am gouged in the back by the one broken prong on the cheap-assed bra i had to buy.  I talked about another situation on Facebook.  MY once a blue moon trip to the nail salon....now- as I mentioned in every post so far....I am a hot mess.  Uncomfortable every second, no patience....dizzy etc.  So WHY is it ME that every time I go to the nail salon, I get the one person that has to hold down the fort.  Literally....There are like 25 nail technicians in the place & I get the one that must address every single person that walks in the door...."HALLO- HOW MAY I HELP YOU"  (How about helping ME by hiring a greeter!!!!!) Takes payments....Empties clean towels from the back....Or even worse, the one that has the sniffles and needs to blow his or her nose while tending to my nubs.  WHY ME!!!!  I have a limited time alone...and chances are these days...If you find me in the salon, It's because it's the first day in 10 that I actually feel well enough to venture out.  Why then must you make me sit there?  And for God's sake- Tell your employees that eating at the lone empty pedicure station is not only FOUL but clearly against code!  Once I witnessed 2 ladies over the foot bath cracking crab and I'm not kidding.   Another thing.....Today I was returning an item to a store & a woman comes up to me & says.....WOAHHHHHHHHH  It must be any day now, right??  Um....Actually lady....I have about 4 weeks left.  But thanks for loudly embarrassing me in front of the store and reminding me how huge I am right now.  I appreciate that.  And for the love of Pete....How about not telling me that my child is going to be huge with a horrified look on your face.....Forcing me to hurriedly tell you I'm having a C-Section so that you don't assume my lady parts will be mauled.  It's more information than I feel like giving at the counter.  Mind your manners.   And lastly....Please refrain from walking up to a complete stranger & telling them your nightmare birth story.  #1- I have a queasy stomach in the first place.  When someone tells me about a wound or a broken appendage...I  am trying my best to keep my shit together so that I don't barf on you or faint.....The LAST thing on the planet I need is you to tell me about your pussing, stapled incision that required you to be airlifted to another facility with specialists.  I really don't need to hear about this merely weeks from going into what is considered a serious surgery!  Have I mentioned I suffer from anxiety? Come on people!  Just more instances where I am found smacking my forehead!

That's all for now.  I think by now my child has toilet papered the bathroom, styled the dog's fur with clips & bows and applied all my make-up.  Back at it....but this time with a smile on my face and an appreciation for those people in my life that bring me great joy.  :-)