Pregnancy joys

I wrote this when I was living in Tucson, AZ...I was pregnant with my daughter Hayden....updated 2013 version to follow....
I love that:

1.  I am congested 24/7
2. The weather in Tucson is 108 degrees and I can no longer go outside without feeling like I am going to evaporate.
3.  My boobs are 2 unrecognizable tremendous (for me)rocks that are perched above my watermellon of a stomach.
4. My undercarriage continually feels like it may fall off at any given moment.
5. I can't sneeze without tensing my entire body & squeezing everything shut for fear of GOD that something may fall  on the floor.
6. I have no idea what is going on between my belly button & my knees.
7. Shaving my legs has become like an audition for Cirque du Soleil
8. Speaking of Cirque du soleil, after eating anything with acid in it (Tomato sauce, OJ...hot sauce) I can most likely breathe fire.
9.  I can no longer cook anything on the front burner of the stove without lighting my shirt on fire.  Forget the grill.
10.  I walk like a penguin.
11.  I am  cleaning FOR the cleaning lady.
12.  Some women say how much they LOVE being pregnant....and I want to punch them in the face.
13.  I am considering an eviction notice for this child once I hit 38 weeks.
14.  Lamaze class is almost over.  Who is going to remind me to say "HOO HOO HEEEEEEE" when breathing while I have my husband in a headlock channeling Linda Blair from the exorcist??
15.  I am sick to death of drinking water & even "SICKER to DEATH"  (I know that's poor grammar) of buying toilet paper.  
16.  I get up 4x during the night to fuel my frustration over excessive toilet paper use.  I can't believe I actually considered a bed pan.
17.  I can't eat more than a 1/4 cup of food at a time or else I can't sit comfortably.
18.  My only exercise these days is swimming in the pool and the neighborhood children are beginning to think we put in an aquarium in the yard.
19.  People are asking me now when I'm due to which I reply...."what do you mean...I'm not pregnant" just for shits and giggles.
20.  I can go on and on with this list.

Listen-  I don't care who you think you are...pregnancy is crazy!  I have been a competitor my entire life.  I was a gymnast, I ran Track & Field for a Division 1 school, I was a cheerleader, the consummate clown,  but this is something from a WHOLE OTHER world that I can't BELIEVE I am doing!  Granted- their are some really great emotional moments...filled with joy, but let's be on the Up & Up! This BLOWS!  9 months....(AND MORE) of no drinking, and all of the above things???  If you are one of those people that "love being pregnant" and you feel "so close to your baby" and feel "joy every day"....KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!  You're making the rest of us who are on the verge of jumping off a bridge feel like a horrible person.  

LOL....Just a few thoughts.....and mostly in jest!!
Now...I'm going to try to get my legs as close as i can to being crossed so I can meditate this out of my system.  Namaste.

:-)