You can't make this S#*T up.....

Humor.  I'm happy I have lived my life always finding the humor in things.  Mothering is no exception.

So here are some of the things that have happened in the past couple of weeks that you might find humorous....

While driving home from the mall, I realized I forgot to put my breast pads in.  The baby started crying.....I feel the "let down".  I was sitting in traffic with a hungry, crying baby with a t-shirt on that had 2 wet circles on the front- while my almost 4 year old was singing Jingle Bells at the top of her lungs.

 While walking the dog with the baby strapped to the front of me & pushing the jogger stroller, a small dog ran to the edge of my neighbor's property & started barking.  There I was holding my 120lb German Shepherd back- from eating a Chihuahua- the leash wrapped around the wheel of the jogger- so it was tilted sideways...Baby's head jerking all around, daughter screaming- all in front of our HOA Representative who had pulled in my driveway to inspect the new fence....in 94 degree florida heat- and Oh yeah- the maternity/nursing tank top I was wearing got hooked on the Bjorn, unlatched to expose my left boob.  

My husband was gone for 4 days over labor day weekend....I was left alone with the kids.  As you can imagine, when he got home....I needed a BREAK!  I picked him up from the airport & said you are on your own tonight with the kids.  I made myself an appointment to get a massage.  This was his first time by himself with both the kids so of course I made things easy...I set up the bottle, dinner...etc...and I was on my way.  I get there (after joyriding with the windows open & the music blasted trying to feel 20 again....even if it was just for the 3 minutes of one of my favorite 90's hip-hop songs) and after filling out some paperwork...I was introduced to my masseuse.  Oy Vey!  I try not to judge but she (I think) was very ambiguous if you know what I mean.  OK...Whatever!  I get on the table and realize....What if I start lactating?  When Helga comes back into the room I mention this.  She tells me they have a special pillow for this & she goes to get it: 

Now.....As most people do....i only have my underwear on.  Helga places the device on the table & stands there while i try to stuff each boob into one of the "cup holder" looking things...& i try to do this while keeping myself covered with the sheet.  Embarrassing nightmare....So the massage begins.  I will say- Helga's man-hands gave a great massage....but 2 things.  She smelled like garlic & she wouldn't shut the F up.  Oh my God!  Seriously?????  Don't they teach that in massage school????  I did say 5 times to 3 different people on the phone, to the receptionist & to the masseuse that i was in desperate need of a RELAXATION massage!!!!!!  Wtf?????  After about 1/2 an hour of small talk, i politely told Olga i wanted to stop talking.  She replied in her husky voice...OK...I'll leave you alone with your thoughts....And i really enjoyed the last 1/2 hour....even though i was breathing through my mouth so I didn't have to smell her garlic infused lunch.  FML

On the way to our baptism class....and running late with my then 2 week old baby.... i feel the back of his pants & they are wet.  I quickly run in the room & lay him on a towel on my bed to change him.  I pull down his diaper & he starts peeing.  I quickly take a side of the towel & cover him to catch it!  When I think he's done, I pull it back & start wiping him...I lift his legs up to pull out the diaper & he projectile shits all over the front of my dress.  My 4 year old is screaming EWWWWW while my husband is laughing.

During a particularly bad day (baby had a touch of reflux & had not been sleeping) I was doing everything to get him to sleep...walking around, singing, swaying...all the things they tell you to do...I finally get him to sleep.  I walk slowly & softly into a quiet corner of the house where I placed his sleeper chair....on the way I stub my toe.  He starts crying again.  I spent 10 more minutes calming him down....then creep over again....and finally he sleeping.  I melt into the couch & not 2 minutes pass when I hear an alarming gurgling & half crying sound coming from him!  I run over there & the dog is lapping  his face furiously.  Back at it again....swaying, shhhhing....walking around.....

During a trip to the grocery store, a woman came up to us & said Wow!  A new baby!!  After a few seconds of idle chit chat about him...she directed her attention to Hayden.  "and how do you like being a big sister?"... oh...It's good...."Has he been a good boy?"  Well- No.  All he does is Poop in his pants & Eat mommies boobies.

All funny business aside....who am I these days?  There once was a time that I would come home from an after hours bar at 5 in the morning...wasted....dragging half a pizza or a burrito in with me...kicking off my shoes and falling asleep with all my makeup on.  I'd wake up & try to recollect the night with my husband or friends...I'd find rice from the burrito or the crust of the pizza in the bed....mind you it's 4 in the afternoon...just in time for the evening Sunday night football game.  I'd pound water & diet cokes along with advil to try & rid my hang over.....Curtains drawn.....dreading having to go to work on a monday morning....Gee- I can't believe I traded all that in to become a mother.  I can't even believe who I am now & how much I have changed.  I mean- I am still the same wanna-be comedian....but with all new material.  Funny how life is....How all the things you thought were important COMPLETELY change once you have children....or a pet.  ;-)  

Well...My 1/2 hour of alone time is over.  Now I have to get back to them....so I can have my daughter tell me my stomach is ugly while my son chews my boobs like a piece of bubble gum.