Fathers

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there who make their children a priority......I tell you what....I am a pretty lucky girl to have found myself an amazing husband.  We are both pretty sure it was fate.  The way we met was so unique that there must have been a reason that we were brought together....But before I get into that....I would have never had the tools to find myself a great husband if it weren't for my own father.  I credit my mother too....But I seriously think that without having my dad around to show me what I need to look for in a husband & father for my children....I would have never known.  A little bit about my dad.  He has always worked extremely hard to put food on the table & to afford us nice things.  My dad worked for a State University his whole life.  In addition to his state job, he was a shell fisherman.  If anyone knows anything about digging clams...It's not glamorous by any means...but it was honest work.  He also picked up a plumbing gig every now and again.  He is the ultimate Jack of all trades.  My dad has always been the life of the party.  Funny, daring intense at times....and protective of his wife & kids.....but was not afraid to whip us in line when needed.  When I was little I idolized him.  We were so much alike.  He was an athlete and so was I.  We connected over our humor & love of sport.  I used to cuddle up with him in the bedroom & watch friday night fights on his little black & white TV.  Going to his State job was fun. Sometimes he worked the midnight shift & he'd set up chairs together with a couple of sleeping bags & we'd camp out in the office after a rare treat of McDonald's happy meals.  In the morning he'd stop off at the Jewish bakery & get us a giant chocolate chip cookie, a buttered roll & an orange juice.  It's funny when I look back now at those days in the power plant where he worked, how magical I thought it was.  Walking around the engine room that powered the entire university...The sounds of the machines working...The calendars with pictures of naked women in the lockers of some of the other guys that worked there...The state issued truck that we'd have to pile into if dad got called to the university for a heating emergency....and how he'd drive really slow afterward down the dark wooded road of the Westbury Campus until he found the rock with a withered, rotten tree on it.  The branches were twisted & mangled into what looked like a person....and he called it the boogie man.  My sister & I would SCREAM and cry & he thought it was the funniest thing.  Then we'd get to sit on his lap & steer the truck back to the plant.  His other job was also something I have fond memories of.  Getting up at 5 in the morning, we'd stop at Fred's deli & he'd buy us a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich, a yoo-hoo, some chips & usually a ring ding or devil dog.  We'd drive down to the dock in blue-point or Patchogue...wherever his boat was docked.  We'd spend the next 6-7 hours out in the bay covered with coppertone & separating the junk that he'd pull up in his rake from the clams.  He had a device that  he propped up on the edge of his boat & the baby clams (not legal for picking) would fall through to the  bottom & the ones that didn't fall through the grate would get tossed into a bucket for selling.  All day we'd have a fishing poll in the water trying to catch flounder or weak fish...while listening to the oldies station on the radio.  A constant stream of Elvis tunes to which my dad knew all the words.  The other would be Howard Stern.  (Which I still listen to today)  It was back breaking work...and my dad would pull that 25 foot rake up and down hundreds of times during the day.  His forearms and chest resembled  pop-eye...or at least that's how I envisioned him my whole life.  A strong, larger than life guy.

It wasn't always roses.  There was a stretch of time that we had a very tumultuous relationship.  Growing up, family dynamic changed.... and as much as I thought I despised my dad during my teen years...there was always that respect & fond memories that pulled me through.  I got caught smoking cigarettes with a girl on my block.  Someone had tipped him off that I was in the dirt road smoking....I must have been 13 years old.  He came & busted me & said he wasn't going to tell my mother.  I'll never forget that day.  It brought me back to a time that was much simpler...when dad & I were close.

Here is a BIG reason why I have the utmost respect for my dad.  When My grandfather was diagnosed with Early onset Alzheimer's Disease....and eventually had to move to Long Island from Brooklyn....It was my dad who was there every day.  When my grandfather was too far into the disease to walk or bathe himself, it was my dad that carried him to the toilet every day to wash him & change him.  After breaking his back all morning on the water, he had a small window to shower & get ready for his other job.  He would use that time to help my grandmother out....and that to me was honorable & selfless....and I will never forget it.  He gave the shirt off his back to help a friend in need.  He still does.  He does anything he can to help us out.... works on our homes, fixes our cars... He has a crude sense of humor but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

I moved out of my house at 18 & haven't lived there since.  But what I took with me from my dad (and mom....but we're talking about dad's today) was that a man takes care of his children.  He sticks up for them, he defends his wife's honor & he is good to his extended family & friends.My dad never blew smoke up my ass.  Never told me I was perfect....because I wasn't...and so I didn't walk around believing I was....Gave me survival skills.  I knew how to change a tire.  I was encouraged to do well in school & finish my degree so that I would never have to rely on a man to provide for me.  If I needed to, I could get the hell out of a crappy relationship & take care of myself or my family.  He taught me how to be street smart & handle myself...in addition to welding a copper pipe closed to seal off a water leak.  He also taught me how to take a joke.

It took me some years, and a few bad boyfriends to wise up....and open my eyes to the men in the world that would actually treat me decent.  I spent my college years learning the hard way about the difference between good & bad men...and a couple years after....But when I took some time off from relationships or "hook ups", I was ready.  I was open & ready to meet the person that would eventually be the father of my children.  After graduating from college, I worked in a bar in Newport, RI & a group of guys used to come in all the time.  There was a Naval Training facility there for newly commissioned officers & since the place I worked in was a hot spot, most of them would hang out there.  I hated it.  Navy guys were notorious for being cheap.  I'd chased many a group out of the restaurant after waiting on them all night & getting like...3 dollars.  How was I going to buy my booze at the landing with 3 f-ing dollars?  Anyway....Jason used to come in and sit at the bar.  I actually went on a few dates with a friend of his.  I quickly realized we had nothing in common (The friend & I) and bailed.  The end of summer was coming. I was finishing up an internship with the Boys & Girls club...and shortly after I'd made plans with 3 friends to travel across the country on a once in a lifetime road trip.  (Who knew I'd do that trip 6 more times in later years)  I ended up in San Diego...and the other girls headed north to South Lake Tahoe.  I pre-arranged a house in Pacific Beach with a couple of attorneys & after a day of job hunting, I landed myself a waitressing gig at "World Famous",  a nice ocean front restaurant walking distance from my place.  I worked there about 2 months when one day... in walks Jason.  3,200 miles away.....he comes walking into my place.  Of all the gin joints.....  He recognized me right away....and I him.  He said he had a big crush on me in Newport & was so mad that I went out with his friend.  HA!  We started dating.....

Jason & I have been together for 16 years, Married for 10 this September.  We have been through SO much.  We fought like cats and dogs, we loved like attention starved maniacs....we nearly split at one point...we have learned so much about love & life....We were 22 when we started dating.  We essentially grew up together....we have been through deaths, & disappointments- through illness & the highest of highs!  We have been through buying houses & selling houses & financial woes....Our lives together have not been perfect by any means....But at the crust of it, the foundation...the core...we realized that we can not live without one another.  We are the yin to each other's yang.  At one point we broke up and I was dating another guy who I thought was amazing....but something kept me coming back to Jason.  I could tell that Jason would have laid his life on the line for me...I could be myself around him...stupid jokes, frizzy hair & foul mouth & he would love me anyway.  I had made the right choice.  All the qualities that I witnessed in my dad....this man embodied.  We both believe that had we not fallen off track for a hot minute, that we would not have realized what we were missing.  The deep and TRUEST love came when I saw my husband as a father.  It changed my chemistry.  I had always admired him....but seeing him interact with his daughter has put him on a different plane to me.  He just is awesome.  Now don't get it twisted....homeboy still KILLS me sometimes.  I mean...Every single day I have to remind him to feed the dog & to please not take off his underwear in the bathroom & leave it on the floor....or to remove the empty toilet paper roll from the dispenser & replace it...There are things that he does every day that make me want to tear my hair out....But at the end of it all....I lucked out.  My intuition, guided by witnessing amazing male role models in my life...helped me realize what a gem I had.  One worth keeping.

More often than not- these days...Women confuse a hook up with love.  They think that if a guy lays down with them...it means love.  They have no real understanding of what love is because their daddies never showed them.  A friend of mine, a marine told me some great advice.  I was standing in his kitchen talking to my then 4 month old baby girl.  I was saying...how beautiful she was.  I stopped myself & said.  I really need to stop saying she's beautiful all the time!  She's going to be conceited!  He looked at me & said....Don't you EVER stop telling her....That way she'll never need some asshole guy to make her feel pretty.  It made so much sense to me.  I look at people who are in a series of horrible relationships.  What went wrong?  What didn't their daddies do for them that made them accept garbage for themselves?  Why didn't they have enough self esteem to demand more?  Were their mothers complete doormats?  What trauma did they suffer at a young age to prevent them from realizing their self worth?  I never understood how important the role of father is in a child's life....and how equally important it is for a Mom to choose a partner wisely than I do as a mother myself.  I am SO glad that I dodged huge bullets with the guys I dated in the past!!  Don't get me wrong...I have plenty of friends & family who were single mothers who did an amazing job at raising their kids to be wonderful, productive members of society.....but somewhere in there...the absence of a good father is ever present.  At the very least, a great "father figure" is so important.

Well...I went on and on.  Wow.  I was just sitting here at the end of a special father's day with my little family & reflecting on the gifts I have in my life at the present moment...Thinking about the crazy road that I traveled that got me here...and hopeful that we can be as strong in the years to come.  All I care about is that my children feel loved & safe....and learn about how integrity, hard work, love & laughter can make all your dreams come true....I hope we are showing them every day.