Well...I guess I'm complaining again. But I need to be real for a minute.....at 9 months pregnant I need to vent! So much of what I read is a bunch of bullshit about pregnancy. I'd like to slap the women that say "Ohhhh it was such a beautiful experience....I felt so alive with love and light"...... ZZzzzzzzz.. Smacks forehead! Come on bitches....lets be real....Lets talk about the last few weeks....
Here is just a sample of my day which starts at midnight. I get up to pee. I grab my headboard with my right arm, and my left leg with my left arm to pull it off the bed to give myself momentum. After about 30 seconds of regaining my strength & breath....I finally muster up the energy to throw myself out of the bed to make the 2 yard walk to my bathroom. Trudging over my dog that feels the need to sleep under my feet, i step over him and almost trip because lifting my leg 1 foot these days feels like I'm jumping men's regulation hurdles. I get to the bathroom and have to fish around in the dark to make sure that the toilet seat is down so that I don't (for the 80th time) fall in the bowl because it's too much for my husband to help me out & remember to put the seat down. I don't turn on the light because it's attached to a fan that makes a lot of noise & I try to be conscious of the fact that he's sleeping. After sitting down, I pee what amounts to MAYBE a thimble full. I sit there & wait 45 seconds because getting up takes my breath away. I fumble my way back to the bed, tripping over the dog or stubbing my toe on something. I lay in bed & try to fall asleep to the rhythm of snores & think of ways I can cut his adenoids out of his throat in the middle of the night safely.... This process is repeated every hour & 1/2 until I'm finally up at 7 am when my daughter comes bounding in the room demanding breakfast. My husband leaves for work stating how tired he is.
I get in the shower, my daughter dancing & singing outside the shower door....I'm yelling non-stop to stay out of my makeup, my lotions, leave the toilet paper alone, stay here where I can see you, don't poke the dog's eyes & stop spraying my perfume. I let the water run down my back, turn around and let the water run on my belly. I have to step back because the water on my chest feels like needles. I step back further & the water bounces off my belly and soaks everything on the left & right side of me. My freshly cleaned glass shower doors now have water spots on them again. They took me 45 minutes to get the energy to clean. I take the soap off the shelf and attempt to clean my body. I drop the f-ing soap. At first I can't see it....because it is near my feet & my belly obstructs my view. I bend slightly forward and spot it. I stare at it, pissed because I know I'm going to have to bend down and fetch it. I mumble curse words while I grit my teeth & crouch down & pick it up....I lather one arm pit up only to drop it again. Repeat process. I now need to shave my legs. The ledge I use to prop my leg up has somehow gotten higher. I swing my leg like a pendulum and hurl it up there, grab the soap & lather half my leg up...and drop the f-ing soap again. So I begin shaving my legs with shampoo. (I'm not picking that bar up again) Repeat other leg. Get out of shower, my legs are razor burned & bleeding. I stare at myself in the mirror & cry.....While my daughter is using the fallen soap to draw on the shower glass doors.
You know how lots of times you see funny pictures or posts of people from behind dressed in their pajamas at Wal-mart? I would guarantee that 90% of those women are pregnant. That is how I am dressing now. I find the most comfortable, haggard & heinous thing that I can find and wear it because I don't even have the energy to open more than one drawer. In earlier months, I tried to be a cute prego lady. These days? My husband's old shorts & a maternity shirt 3 sizes too small from old navy. Most days the bottom of my belly hangs out of my shirt. I fit right in at Wal-mart. This woman is not trying to be Kim Kardashian, my cute shoes are collecting dust & my 19.99 Reef Flip flops have flattened down so much that I feel like I'm walking barefoot. And my hair. Dear God. My afro has been banging in this humidity and I am rocking it like I'm Donna Summer off the working hard for my money track. And I could care less. My bra's no longer fit. I had to buy an extended strap to keep these puppies wrangled in...And within 5 minutes of dressing, whatever I'm eating lands on my huge shelf stomach. Throws hands up in the air.
Let's go grocery shopping. I drive around the parking lot 25x to find the closest spot to the door. I literally stalk people to see where they are headed, and get annoyed when a car pulls up behind me forcing me to drive around again. Usually during my drive around, some one zips out of the front spot & that asshole behind me jumps into it. I am cursing them out in my head. They get out & are about 115 years old (this is Florida) & I feel compelled to do the sign of the cross & pray for them & myself for having bad thoughts. I do this 8 more times before I luck out and get the closest spot. I walk to the door, and give the person in their car a dirty look who doesn't stop quick enough at the cross walk, and I proceed to slow my pace down to a crawl so that when I make it to the other side the driver peels out. It makes me laugh. There is no respect anymore. I grab a wagon & for the next 1/2 an hour while I shop I'm harassed by stay at home moms & retirees asking me what I'm having, when I'm due & giving me advice about how I should be resting....or they are making comments about how big my belly is or isn't. Ummm... Yeah lady, I'd love to get some rest but while I'm trying to quickly pick up more toilet paper for my 900 nightly trips to the bathroom- you are slowing me down. By the way, 6x during this trip I have to put my elbows on the wagon handle to relieve the pressure off my pelvis & take deep breaths. I lower my head to regain strength & look at the veins in my feet busting out...and my pedicure that is ruined from my now centimeter thick flip flops. I check out & the 17 year old at the register comments how huge I am and that she's 7 months pregnant. She looks like she's bloated from her monthly period. I get annoyed for 100 other reasons. I leave the store and 2 cars don't let me cross the road before they pass. One of them is that asshole that peeled out on my way in.
That is my big outing for today. It's about all that I can handle. I know I have to tidy up the house & play with an extremely active toddler & that will consume all of my energy. I go home, put the stuff away & remember that I forgot to get 9 out of the 10 things I went to the store to get....But I came home with toilet paper, fresh fruit, cheese & York Peppermint Patties. Back to the store again tomorrow. I spend the rest of the afternoon making arts & crafts, judging dance shows, fighting about nap time, playing Barbie dolls and trying to explain why I can't play red light green light in 94 degree weather with 90% humidity. All I want to do is lay in bed with my peppermint patties & watch some stupid Ghost Hunter show. Then I beat myself up for wanting to do that instead of playing with my daughter. Keep in mind I am peeing 80x a day.
I am counting down the minutes until my husband gets home so he can take over the reins...and my dog has been looking at me all day like- "Why are you not wrestling with me and running with me?" Jason gets home & says....I am exhausted. I just need a little bit to unwind. I want to pound my head into the wall. My legs are hurting, I have indigestion from the peppermint patties & all i hear is Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy echoing in my head from the last 14 hours. I lay down on the couch & finally turn on the TV& my daughter says....Can we watch Cartoons?
About 10:00, we put our girl to bed. She gets up 8x and 4 out of the 8x I have to get up and tuck her back in. I finalllllly settle in the bed, but now I can't get comfortable. I'm too hot. I can't decide which side will feel the best to sleep on. I realize the wedge I put between my legs to help my throbbing hips is on the floor. F#$K!!!!!!! I bunch up the sheets to create a make-shift wedge, my husband rolls over & pulls the bundle of sheet from my legs. SHIT. I haven't taken my pre-natals. Take them. Lay back down. The cat jumps on the bed & starts kneading the bed by my feed....Purring & licking my feet. It is now 11:30. The rhythmic snores coming from Jason's throat begin again. My dog comes into the room & resumes his position. I fall half asleep. It's midnight. I have to pee.
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